Friday, August 19, 2011

Stuck in a Rut

Well, as far as the weight loss goes, I am still stuck in a rut. I only have myself to blame and have made some really poor choices the past few weeks. I need to change my focus to me. I need to get to a point in my life where I feel I am good enough. Somewhere along the way, I stop believing that I was worth it and I am working really hard to change my mind. It's an internal battle that goes deep into some issues I have failed to deal with. I know it is the reason that I have not been consistent and also the reason I find it so hard to love myself.

Another thing that is holding me back is the rollercoaster of emotions that I am feeling for a certain man. This has been a rollercoaster that I have been on for 18 years of my life. No, that is not a typo - I have loved the same man (in one way or another) for 18 years. It started as a childhood crush but grew and matured over the years. Now mind you, I have never been with this man but we have been friends for a long time. I have tried many times to "get over it" but I just can't seem to convince my heart that it's time to let go. There are days I swear we will end up together eventually. Then there are others that I wonder if I have wasted 18 years of my life? This emotional battle that I face definitely has an effect on my success. Food has always been my comfort and I turn to it when I am sad, confused, worried, etc. So this does not help me and I wish I knew what the future held and how it would all end up. It would make letting go so much easier!

One thing that has improved greatly in my life is my career. I can tell you that I am happier than ever when it comes to that. I love my job and the company. I feel like I have fit in like I've always been there and I adore my co-workers. It really has brought much happiness into my life in the three short weeks I have been there!

So, onward I push on this rollercoaster of life. I will not give up - EVER! Thanks for all the love and support you've all shown me as I share some of my very personal thoughts and feelings. All advice is welcomed and appreciated - even if it's not the advice I want to hear! :-)


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