Stuck in a Rut

Well, as far as the weight loss goes, I am still stuck in a rut. I only have myself to blame and have made some really poor choices the past few weeks. I need to change my focus to me. I need to get to a point in my life where I feel I am good enough. Somewhere along the way, I stop believing that I was worth it and I am working really hard to change my mind. It's an internal battle that goes deep into some issues I have failed to deal with. I know it is the reason that I have not been consistent and also the reason I find it so hard to love myself.

Another thing that is holding me back is the rollercoaster of emotions that I am feeling for a certain man. This has been a rollercoaster that I have been on for 18 years of my life. No, that is not a typo - I have loved the same man (in one way or another) for 18 years. It started as a childhood crush but grew and matured over the years. Now mind you, I have never been with this man but we have been friends for a long time. I have tried many times to "get over it" but I just can't seem to convince my heart that it's time to let go. There are days I swear we will end up together eventually. Then there are others that I wonder if I have wasted 18 years of my life? This emotional battle that I face definitely has an effect on my success. Food has always been my comfort and I turn to it when I am sad, confused, worried, etc. So this does not help me and I wish I knew what the future held and how it would all end up. It would make letting go so much easier!

One thing that has improved greatly in my life is my career. I can tell you that I am happier than ever when it comes to that. I love my job and the company. I feel like I have fit in like I've always been there and I adore my co-workers. It really has brought much happiness into my life in the three short weeks I have been there!

So, onward I push on this rollercoaster of life. I will not give up - EVER! Thanks for all the love and support you've all shown me as I share some of my very personal thoughts and feelings. All advice is welcomed and appreciated - even if it's not the advice I want to hear! :-)

~Heidi

The "Cursed Number"

Hello all! Life has been going well for me. I am frustrated with my scale and there is this one certain number that has given me problems in the past. I hover around that number for weeks before I am able to break through it. This has happened to me in the past with this exact same number. I am determined to break through before next week. I did lose one pound last week so I am getting closer to pushing past that dreaded number that I hope to never see again on the scale!

I have been taking longer walks. So long in fact that I have to leave the dog at home because she doesn't like to walk that far. She's kind of a princess you know! :-) It has been a really great time for me to put on my iPod and get lost in my thoughts and music. I find myself thinking a lot about happiness and what that looks like to me. I can honestly say I don't know. I am happy for the most part but I feel like something is missing. I have no idea what it is but I can say that whatever it is, I long for it - if that makes any sense at all.

I do love my new job and already feel so comfortable in the office and with my co-workers. That is a great feeling! I had a few requests for an updated picture of me, so here is one from the last weekend in July (with one of my very best friends, Jamie).

I still have a long way to go but I am so much farther than I was just a year ago! I am actually 65 pounds lighter than I was in June of 2010. I hope to do much better in the next year and kick it into higher gear but I will celebrate every victory, every pound and every moment in my life that I feel like I am living! Because I no longer want to watch my life pass me by, I now want to be an active participant!

Thanks for sticking with me! It means so much to have your love and support!!

~Heidi

Week One of My New Job!

So, I am sad to say that I did not lose any weight last week. It is not a total surprise to me as I made some poor choices at the end of the week and over the weekend. I have been doing better this week but still feel a bit "off". My average is still 3.5 pounds a week and that's nothing to sneeze at! I just wish I could stay strong all the time but I tend to turn to food for comfort and I hate that!

I went for a really long, warm walk on Sunday evening and it felt great! I went without the dog because she is a wimp when it comes to heat! I put my IPod on and just kept walking. I know I walked close to 2 miles and I probably could have kept going except it was so humid that I was literally dripping with sweat!

My first week of work has been going great so far. I am already more comfortable there than I ever was at my previous job. I also haven't cried once at the new job and that is way better than the first week of my former job! The drive is a little longer but I really don't mind it and if the freeqay is really bad, then I just take 101 which is a nice scenic route of sorts!

Well, I just thought I'd do my weekly check in and let you know how it's going.